Ash Wednesday

During Lent, many Christians decide to give up some thing which gives them pleasure (In the old days, it was always sex, for one). The idea is, that when you find yourself yearning for that Twixt Bar, of Diet Pepsi, or glass of Chardonnay, that you might focus instead on your relationship with God. I started this blog last year, inspired by Meghan Rohrer, who each Lent gives up her security of home, job, and security to live among the homeless of San Francisco.

I am not so brave.

One thing I've learned though, from reading Meghan's blog, is that rather than giving something up, she adds something to her life through this experience. She adds a knowledge and understanding of people who are not herself to her experience.

I've been having a difficult time praying lately. It’s been difficult to remain focused. I find myself beginning a conversation with God, and too quickly other concerns overtake the conversation, and my original path of prayer seems to spiral away into a black hole. I've tried using some centering exercises, and really only had success if I'm at work in the sanctuary alone, where the rest of the world fades away, even though urban reality is just on the other side of the stained glass wall.

Sunday morning, before getting out of bed, I had an epiphany. I know that by nature I am conflict adverse. I'll do anything to avoid engaging in a confrontation (yeah, I know, all my friends are thinking how that doesn't keep me from being highly opinionated.) What I realized that morning was that I had some issues with God, and while I wasn't avoiding them entirely (I was praying that God would heal people in my life who are suffering, especially my brother, who is being treated for a brain tumor) I know I wasn't being honest with God about how I felt about these things.

I've been really frustrated by several things, which affect my relationships with other people. While I believe that God knows my frustration, we haven't really had any conversations about it.

That morning I realized how angry I was with God, and pinned my prayer problems on that anger. Reflecting on the situation a little further, I realized that the real problem was my own fault for not being honest about my feelings, that, just like any relationship, disagreement is healthy when it leads to new understandings.

So, what this rambling leads to, is that the thing I want to add to my Lenten journey, is to live with God in an honest relationship: to share my feelings and not just my needs, and more importantly to be open to listening for God's answers, in all the forms they take, through the gifts and the challenges which God places in my life, and to search for understanding of my own existence as well as my relationship with God, and the rest of God's creation.