Why haven't I posted here in so long? I could make countless excuses, but that's all they'd be. Certainly there's been lots going on in my life, most of it extraordinarily good and wonderful and to me a sign of God's love in my life. Gary and I have enjoyed so many concerts and movies and dinner with friends and celebrations with colleagues, I truly feel blessed to have such an abundance of joy in my life.
But it hasn't been a time free from stress or strife. Our closest friend Joan became very ill last April. Two days after we brought home a new puppy, Papagana http://www.dogster.com/dogs/638311 Joan broke her leg and was hospitalized for several weeks. We took care of her pets and home while she was gone, She returned home for almost a week before going into septic shock and having to return to the hospital via the emergency room. The next day, Sunday, we visited her after church. She looked bad, but the staff didn't indicate how serious her condition was. We left after an hour, only to be called by the hospital a short while later to be told she might not survive the next few hours. It was a time of feeling completely helpless.
We scrambled our plans to get back to the hospital, by which time she had rallied somewhat, and the prognosis had improved to where if she survived the next 72 hours, she had a good chance for recovery. Next, they told us if she lasted out the next week, she might be transferred out of intensive care to a step-down unit. And so we learned to live our lives in measured units, always praying with gratitude for the small signs of improvement, and that the time frames might be less, rather than more. After finally being discharged to a physical rehabilitation center in June, she finally made enough progress by late August to return home. Her youngest dog, a little over a year old, had lived without her for almost a third of her life, and didn't respond to her mistress at all the first few weeks.
We have been challenged to meet all of the needs of a friend in this situation. Gary has more time working from home, and so has been the primary care giver. We live two plus blocks away, so we are not able to be with her all the time, and she has resisted the home care givers mightily. We would finally get aides and therapists on board to begin helping her, and she would refuse their services we would get angry because we spent so much time getting the house cleaned up while she was hospitalized, and once home, she just didn't care about letting it be kept clean and safe (to our minds)
It's been tempting to walk away from our friend at times. It's been difficult to understand why she doesn't want to do things the way we think she should (after all, don't we know what's best for her) . While we have talked about ways to get "order" restored in her life, we haven't talked about what "order" means to her. We've danced around discussing our perception of her need to maintain control over her life, without establishing what that means to her, and the accomplishability of that happening. After all,she wasn't working with the physical therapists. She wasn't letting the home health aides take care of essential things like emptying the commode.
Now, I should have mentioned earlier, Joan is a very accomplished woman. She has a phd in history and has taught at a local univerisity long enough to have retired several years ago. I don't know why we started treating her less than her stature simply because she was so sick, but I know we did. I know we started to feel our evaluative skills were better than hers. But while we were worrying about the things that she wasn't, someting amazing was happening which we were unaware of: Joan was pushing herself to get better.
Suddenly, we have discovered that she can walk without devices like walkers or wheelchairs. She has been managing her medications as prescribed, despite our fears. She's resumed paying her bills and ordering her groceries and caring for her pets. She has returned to what makes her happy, even if she doesn't have the full use of her home yet, I beleieve she will in the near future, becasue she has faith in herself.
I guess where this was all going for me, is we spent so much time reacting to the demands the situation put on us, we didn't allow much time to ask what this all did to our friend. By forgetting about that, we made ourselves into gods whose "standing" was above our friend. I pray that God will forgive us, and that Joan and each of us will be able to return to our previous mutually dependent relationship.
FWIW, I began this before the end of my 57th Birthday, and would like to commit to much more regular postings to this place.
But it hasn't been a time free from stress or strife. Our closest friend Joan became very ill last April. Two days after we brought home a new puppy, Papagana http://www.dogster.com/dogs/638311 Joan broke her leg and was hospitalized for several weeks. We took care of her pets and home while she was gone, She returned home for almost a week before going into septic shock and having to return to the hospital via the emergency room. The next day, Sunday, we visited her after church. She looked bad, but the staff didn't indicate how serious her condition was. We left after an hour, only to be called by the hospital a short while later to be told she might not survive the next few hours. It was a time of feeling completely helpless.
We scrambled our plans to get back to the hospital, by which time she had rallied somewhat, and the prognosis had improved to where if she survived the next 72 hours, she had a good chance for recovery. Next, they told us if she lasted out the next week, she might be transferred out of intensive care to a step-down unit. And so we learned to live our lives in measured units, always praying with gratitude for the small signs of improvement, and that the time frames might be less, rather than more. After finally being discharged to a physical rehabilitation center in June, she finally made enough progress by late August to return home. Her youngest dog, a little over a year old, had lived without her for almost a third of her life, and didn't respond to her mistress at all the first few weeks.
We have been challenged to meet all of the needs of a friend in this situation. Gary has more time working from home, and so has been the primary care giver. We live two plus blocks away, so we are not able to be with her all the time, and she has resisted the home care givers mightily. We would finally get aides and therapists on board to begin helping her, and she would refuse their services we would get angry because we spent so much time getting the house cleaned up while she was hospitalized, and once home, she just didn't care about letting it be kept clean and safe (to our minds)
It's been tempting to walk away from our friend at times. It's been difficult to understand why she doesn't want to do things the way we think she should (after all, don't we know what's best for her) . While we have talked about ways to get "order" restored in her life, we haven't talked about what "order" means to her. We've danced around discussing our perception of her need to maintain control over her life, without establishing what that means to her, and the accomplishability of that happening. After all,she wasn't working with the physical therapists. She wasn't letting the home health aides take care of essential things like emptying the commode.
Now, I should have mentioned earlier, Joan is a very accomplished woman. She has a phd in history and has taught at a local univerisity long enough to have retired several years ago. I don't know why we started treating her less than her stature simply because she was so sick, but I know we did. I know we started to feel our evaluative skills were better than hers. But while we were worrying about the things that she wasn't, someting amazing was happening which we were unaware of: Joan was pushing herself to get better.
Suddenly, we have discovered that she can walk without devices like walkers or wheelchairs. She has been managing her medications as prescribed, despite our fears. She's resumed paying her bills and ordering her groceries and caring for her pets. She has returned to what makes her happy, even if she doesn't have the full use of her home yet, I beleieve she will in the near future, becasue she has faith in herself.
I guess where this was all going for me, is we spent so much time reacting to the demands the situation put on us, we didn't allow much time to ask what this all did to our friend. By forgetting about that, we made ourselves into gods whose "standing" was above our friend. I pray that God will forgive us, and that Joan and each of us will be able to return to our previous mutually dependent relationship.
FWIW, I began this before the end of my 57th Birthday, and would like to commit to much more regular postings to this place.
